


What He Won't Admit

by goldendayer



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Fights, Gen, Late at Night, but if thats not your thing then it's not. LOL, maybe romantic if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 08:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17097548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldendayer/pseuds/goldendayer
Summary: “Because!” Al was yelling now, “Because I need to know! Why won’t you answer me?”Ed flipped back over angrily, “Because you won’t fucking like the answer!”





	What He Won't Admit

**Author's Note:**

> Well, for the first time in 5 years, I’ve written a little something. It’s probably cliche and I’m not a great writer, but I hope it’s at least mildly enjoyable. Once an FMA fan, always an FMA fan, as they say. Or maybe that's just something I made up :P

It was almost the time of night where one begins to say “it’s very early” instead of “it’s very late”. Edward wondered about when exactly late became early. Was it directly at midnight? Probably, technically. But conversationally? It must be nearer to 2am. Or maybe 3? He figured it was probably whatever time it was now, although he didn’t know for sure since it was too dark to see the face of the clock on the wall of this shitty, dingy motel they were stuck in.

His automail, along with the mattress he was laying on, creaked as he shifted positions. Soon the sun would come up, and then he really had no chance of getting to sleep. Lately he had been plagued by bouts of insomnia, and this bed, which felt as if it was packed with rocks due to the broken springs, didn’t help.

“Ed?”

He jumped a little, as he had been listening to nothing but the droning hum of an old radiator for hours on end.

“What? Jesus Al, you surprised me.” Ed grumbled, not bothering to turn over to face his brother, who was sitting quietly like always on the other side of the room. Al usually tried not to disturb him at night.

“Sorry. But I could tell you were awake.” Al explained.

Ed groaned in defeat. “Have been all night. My damn brain just won’t shut off.”

Al laughed quietly. “Yeah, I understand the feeling.”

Ed flipped over under the covers so he was facing the side of the room Al was on, but he couldn’t see him very well. A strip of moonlight from the missing slat in the blinds illuminated half of Alphonse’s armored foot. He sighed. “Honestly, I doubt I’m going to get back to sleep tonight. What did you want?”

“I was thinking…. I was thinking about the stone. And how it’s turned out to be another dead end.” Al replied. “…And about what we should do next.”

Ed nodded in the dark. “Another dead end, huh? Yeah. Yeah I guess it is. That thing was way too good to be true, you know? It would’ve made things so easy. God, wouldn’t it have been nice to have something be easy for once?” He chuckled dryly. “We finally have it within our grasp, and then we have to fucking find out that it’s made out of thousands of human souls... I mean, god, I couldn’t come up with anything as comically horrible if I tried.”

Al’s armor creaked slightly as he turned gaze through the gap in the window.

“There’s no way we can use it.”

“I know.” Ed agreed. He paused, tapping his fingers on his chest, “Jeez, is this really the sort of stuff you think about all night long, Al?”

Ed heard a clank of Al’s armor, which he assumed must have been him shrugging. “I have a lot of things I think about. It’s just that my mind seems to be focusing mostly on this lately.”

Ed was silent for a while, and then took a breath, rubbing his tired eyes with the palm of his left hand. “I know you’re tired of hearing this, but… I really am sorry. I’d switch places with you if I could, I really would… I really would…”

Al exhaled sharply, frustrated. “I’ve told you a million times, brother, this….Everything that’s happened, it’s not purely your responsibility. You kill yourself with guilt. I was just as much a part of it as you were.”

Ed’s automail fist came down on the mattress with a thud. “Yeah but I was supposed to be the one—the person who looks out for you! You were only 10…I had a responsibility to guide us in the right direction, as your older brother…”

“Damn it Ed,” Al cursed, turning to face his brother, “Yeah, I was ten, but YOU were just eleven! We were BOTH just stupid kids! Both of us! Don’t you understand? There’s barely a year between us, you can’t possibly—”

“I know. I know I know. I’m sorry. I just…. I wish I had been smarter.” Ed rested his forearm over his eyes. “Because… Even if we did it together, it was my idea. I was the one who suggested it. From the beginning, I was the one who started all this shit, knocked over the first domino with my stupid, reckless hands—”

“Stop it, Edward.” Al never used his full name, Ed thought. The tone of his voice was harsh but shaky, and it shocked Ed into silence immediately. Once again, the only sound in the room was that of the churning radiator.

Several minutes passed like that, until Al spoke again. “Brother, I need to ask you something.” He waited for a response but received none. He decided to go ahead anyway.

“If… If we don’t find another lead. I mean, if we look and look, for a long time, say years, and our research turns up nothing, what will we do?”

Ed deflected the question, like he always did with ones that had answers he didn’t want to admit. “That won’t happen. I’ll find a wa—”

“But what if it does?” Al interrupted.

“Goddamnit, why are you asking me this shit? It’s fucking late, or, it’s early. It’s too early for this shit. I need to go to sleep.” Ed snapped. He gathered the covers in his hand and turned over, facing away.

“Brother.” Al demanded, standing up. “Brother!

"Leave it, Al!”

“I won’t! Answer me, Ed. Answer my question.”

“Why do we need to think about this now? We don’t even know that we’ve exhausted all our options yet! Why can’t we just cross that bridge when— IF we come to it!”

“Because!” Al was yelling now, “Because I need to know! Why won’t you answer me?”

Ed flipped back over angrily, “Because you won’t fucking like the answer!”

Al stared at him in silence, visibly tense in the subtle moonlight, standing now only a couple feet from his bed. Ed stared back, realizing he’d just said something he shouldn’t have.

“…What do you mean, Ed?” Al said slowly, towering above him. Ed could see his hands were shaking, ever so slightly. Ed rubbed his hand over his face and didn’t respond.

“You know, brother, you’re easy for me to read. I know how you think better than anyone else.” Al continued, “And I think I already know what you were going to say, and before that, what you’ve been thinking about. You’re not the type of person who doesn’t think ahead. Who didn’t think about the future. Who doesn’t weigh his options, making plans, however hypothetical, based on different potential outcomes. And in those times when you get quiet and your eyes start to look unfocused, staring at something far away, something in your mind that you don’t talk about, I get scared. Because I think I know what it is. And I wanted to hear you say it, because I can’t keep wondering, and worrying anymore. Brother, would you ever… use yourself?”

Al didn’t have to clarify because like always, he was indeed spot on. Al was right when he suspected that Edward would, in the end, if worse came to worse, use what was left of himself to pay the toll and retrieve Alphonse from behind the gate. Ed cursed his brother for being so perceptive, and himself for being so transparent. There was no use avoiding it anymore, he was caught, and he had to admit it, because he knew Al could see straight through any lie he could possibly tell.

“I…..would.” Ed confessed. “If it came to that. It’s only right.”

With that, al yanked the chain on the lamp sitting on the bedside table so hard it nearly broke. Suddenly, the room was flooded with light and the face Edward had been trying to hide in the dark was illuminated, guilty and defeated. Al grabbed the older boy’s bare shoulders with his hands, large and cold and desperate. “You idiot… you idiot brother…” he repeated, his voice trembling.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop with that, stop apologizing.” Al said. “You can’t ever do that, no matter what. I won’t let you. I’ll stop you. But how could I do it…?” He trailed off into only a quiet, whimpering voice, his hands gripping harder. “Can you please… please promise me you won’t ever do that? Look at me. Please promise me.”

Ed did only half of what Al demanded, by looking up at him. He remained silent, but Al looked in his eyes and knew they said, “I can’t promise that.”

Al released Ed’s shoulders and dropped to his knees on the warped floorboards. “Then I’ve got no choice but to blackmail you,” Al laughed bitterly.

“What?”

“If you can’t promise me that, then I will promise you this; If you ever are stupid enough to do that, if you sacrifice yourself for my body… then I’ll… I’ll leave this world as well. I’ll end the last traces of our ruined journey for good.” Al paused, then looked up, “And that’s a promise.”

“Al…” God damn it, Ed thought. God fucking damn it. His brother was too smart, knew him too well. Al had concocted the most reliable failsafe imaginable. With a sigh so heavy it was as if his body was collapsing in on itself, Ed slid off the side of the bed and wrapped his arms around his brother's cold, artificial neck, resting his chin on his shoulder. After a moment, he felt Al’s arms move to encircle him as well.

“I don't ever want to live in a world without you, brother.”

Ed closed his eyes.

"You know I don't either"

"I guess it's my turn to apologize." Al said.

Ed simply plunked himself down on the floor and leaned on his shoulder. "I don't want you to apologize. I just want you to stay here with me, like this, for a little while longer."

The clock read 4:02.

By the time the sun had fully risen, Al noticed that Ed had finally fallen asleep. Somehow, he'd found more comfort sleeping up against cold, hard armor than he had in a bed.


End file.
